"Of course I'm the real Santa, could there be any doubt?
Elfie is helping me get ready for my very busy night. We have to make sure everything is in perfect working order on my narrowboat 'Sleigh' because we have a very long journey ahead, and lots of little children's dreams rely on Santa delivering on time. It's a most important job.
Elfie has polished the brass, checked the weed hatch, turned the engine’s grease gun and fed the reindeer. We've even had to remove some of the ballast so that we don't cruise too low in the water when all the sacks of toys are loaded on the 24th.
Grown-ups ask me how I manage to travel over 2,000 miles of canals all on Christmas Eve when the speed limit is 4mph? Well I can tell them that Santa has never been stopped for speeding because his narrowboat Sleigh travels at warp speed. My aquatic reindeer's pull my sleigh from underwater, galloping like the great horses that once pulled the super speedy fly-boats in canal history. Santa doesn’t wear glasses of course, but these aren’t glasses, they’re splash guards for when the reindeers are at full trot and I'm speeding along the water in the night.
Throughout December if you look carefully, you may just spot Rudolph's red nose glowing from the water. Children have better eyes than grown-ups, of course!"
HO HO HO! Merry Christmas everyone!
Secretly on a canal near you